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Gaslighting, is the manipulation happening to you? Are you aware of the signs to know if you are being manipulated by way of gaslighting? Do you know what gaslighting is? After reading this article you will have a better understanding of what gaslighting is, how it may be used against you, where it comes from, the signs to acknowledge it may be happening to you, and how to react to the manipulation. Do not let the abuser take away your identity and who you really are!
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a tactic an abuser uses to gradually gain power and control over a victim. The narcissist is a major culprit to this kind of behavior. Gaslighting is an ongoing form of manipulation that causes one to doubt what they see, hear and or experience. At one point in my life, I was a victim of this sort of abuse for several years.
In fact, I was manipulated so bad, I was once a confident woman, who would now doubt my own perception of the world around me. Again, this method of mental abuse is used by toxic narcissists. It’s a type of brainwashing that can cause one to lose your entire sense of self and identity. Repeatedly experiencing gaslighting will destroy your self-worth and cause you to question reality at times. And after a while, the victim starts to rely on the abuser’s mental stability, more than there own. This makes the victim feel they cannot leave their situation.
As a victim, you may here the key phrases that are said to you time and time again: “I never said that. You are making things up again.”, “I don’t want to talk about this again.”, “Are you sure? You know you have a bad memory.”, or “Why are you so sensitive all of the time?” If you hear these phrases being said to you repetitively, please see them as red flags and do not doubt your own judgment!
Gaslighting takes place in the context of a relationship (could be work, family, friend or partner) in which one person is manipulative, self-centered, low on empathy, and has a vested interest in always being right. Does this sound familiar to you? Does this fit the definition of a narcissist? Yes, yes it does.
The end goal of the narcissist is to create a sense of confusion so that you then question who you are and how you interpret life.
So Where Does The Term Gaslighting Come From?
Loew’s, Inc. Gaslight is a 1944 American psychological-thriller film, adapted from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light, about a woman whose husband slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. You might check it out to get some visual and audio examples. I am not sure if I am at a point in life that I can watch it and not get angry since it did happen to me. Therefore, I cannot say if it is a good movie or not, but it does go to show the term has been around for a while.
Signs To Acknowledge
The gaslighter is not an honest person
The gaslighter is never honest about who they really are as a person. You have to remember, the narcissist has the mindset and believes they pretty much do everything right or correctly. This means all of the time. They are NEVER wrong (at least in their own minds). They exaggerate who they think they are as a person so you will never know their weaknesses, fears, vulnerabilities, etc. You are more prone to hear of their successes (whether true or not), versus any of their flaws. Last time I checked, we are all flawed individuals. 😉 When they assess who they are in a dishonest fashion, they will do the same to you.
The gaslighter is always looking for ways to find your flaws
They may do this through direct criticism. My abuser used this a lot on me. I could not do anything right in his eyes. I was told how rude I was and how I was not able to make sound decisions. This totally floored me as I was known as anything but rude to people. As far as decision making, it’s what I do for a living in a fast-paced environment for hours every day. Yet, I was convinced after hearing time after time.
To support the narcissist’s false data, they will be sure to let you know other people’s interpretation of you, through the words and thoughts of a narcissist. For example, The narcissist may say: “I was talking to your mom last week. She does not want you to know, but she thinks you are crazy too.” This happened to me a lot!. I was convinced my family had given up on me. My abuser was paying me against my family and friends and vice versa. It was so mentally frustrating, depressing, and exhausting to hear those things. Yet, I believed him over them, instead of asking my family and friends if this was truly what they said. But the gaslighter is going to let you know that people do not think highly of you.
You could be having a conversation with someone at a ball game or another event of some sort and the narcissist will tell you that you were being rude and hurting the person’s feelings that you were talking to. You did not feel that you had a bad conversation. Matter of fact, you felt the conversation went well. However, after the gaslighter tells you how insensitive you were, you believe it. They leave you feeling doubtful.
The gaslighter will tell you how to interpret yourself
They will tell you how disrespectful you are when interacting with others. You do not feel you are, but they lead you to believe you are hurting others.
The gaslighter may insist your behavior is not appropriate towards others even if you disagree. Then they will proceed to let you know how wrong you are and attempt to support it again, with false statements from others. They try to smear your character or you as you know you.
The more you hear this, the more you start to believe it is true. This is what the narcissist wants to happen.
Now, let’s flip the scenario and you start to attack the narcissist with their flaws and how critical and inconsiderate they are of you and your feelings. The narcissist will let you know that you misunderstood them or that you were not listening to them, etc. The TRUE victim will always be to blame. However, the narcissist in their mind is always the victim.
Lesson:
One thing I did learn when listening to a narcissist is whatever they are saying to you is usually how they feel about themselves or are doing themselves but they have you believing the problem is you. EX: When my abuser blamed me for cheating on him (even though he would not let me do anything that was out of his control), I found out that he indeed was doing that. When he blamed me for being disrespectful to people. that is what he was doing. When he blamed me for talking poorly about others, that was him, not me. He would constantly tell me how clueless and stupid I was when in doubt he really thought I was more superior to him and I intimidated him, but he had to beat me down to where I no longer was.
So if they are saying something about you to you, listen carefully. This is how I learned what a narcissist was really thinking at the time, except it was reversed. It was really about what and how they felt about themselves at the time or at some point.
One time my abuser had told my kids that I was very sick, mentally ill from a head injury and that I was not stable. My kids told me about it but when I really thought about it, the abuser was talking about himself all along. The narcissist comes up with the feelings and the ideas and then portray them on others.
The gaslighter will talk about you behind your back
This one really frustrates me from one point but also is an eye-opener to another. My abuser did this all of the time and still continues today. He would talk poorly about me behind my back to my friends and family. There are really people out there who will listen to only one side of a story and make their own conclusions with just that one person’s version. These are the people I learned to stay away from. They were the narcissist’s “flying monkeys.” On the other hand, I learned who my real friends were and who knew the person I really was, not who my abuser portrayed me to be. To this day, he has followers, but I see how ignorant they really are. I stay away from them.
I was portrayed as being mean to people and having a bad temper. My then spouse would tell people this behind my back. Who does this? In a normal relationship the spouse, if this were at all true, would be trying to help you, not put you down to others, let alone behind your back. But they say these things to others that are weak too and will most likely believe them. Stronger people know that what the narcissist says is not in line with your behavior towards them and who they see you as a person.
They repeat your criticisms over and over
The victim will try to compromise and discuss their concerns to the gaslighter, but the gaslighter will continue to argue with them and not even acknowledge their points or concerns. They will only tear you down even more. It’s such a helpless and defeating position to be in.
The victim then starts to feel they cannot say anything or it will be used against them. They feel like they are targeted with characteristics that are not consistent with their true behavior. A sense of loneliness occurs because they are being talked about behind their backs. It really takes a negative mental toll on one’s ability to think, sleep and function.
How To Respond To The Gaslighter
Everything is a game to the narcissist
Their game playing method makes you very angry and agitated. They want you to make yourself look like a fool to others and they do all of this behind closed doors. They win and will feed off of the anger and agitation they cause you. When they see this happening, they will use this method even more.
Do not waste your time and effort to get the narcissist to see your way. It is never going to happen. Doing so will only anger and agitate you more. I learned this the hard way, but I finally learned it. Do not engage with them when it comes to reasoning or understanding. When I learned this, things seemed to cool down because I would not respond. End the game with no response.
Focus on you
Redefine who you really are and focus on you. Find your lost identity and run with it. You define yourself. Do not let others!
If the narcissist has you believing you need to seek therapy, you are mean, you do not listen, etc. think about it. Do you need therapy? If so, get it. Are you mean? No, so check that off and don’t’ focus on that. Only you have the final say as to whom you are. No one else can take that away from you unless you let them. When evaluating yourself, be fair to yourself and do not be so harsh on yourself. We are our own worst critics.
Do not hand over your life to a narcissist who is actually the one who is not healthy or mentally stable. Maintain control of your own core values and morals with confidence.
Make sure you keep good company. By that, I mean to surround yourself with others who understand you and are like you. There are many good people out there who want to surround themselves with the same. Stay out of the negative environments. Find those that appreciate you! Have courage, be vulnerable, and take risks with positive people.
To conclude, learn the signs of gaslighting. You will be better prepared to make the right choices for your own personal and mental health. Share with others so that they do not make the same mistakes I once made. Remember to be true to yourself and never sell yourself short. Remember to Think Me First!
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