Suicide in denial – who is at risk and why? This article goes out to every teenager who is struggling with any kind of pressure of any sort. So to sum it up, I wish every teen could get a hold of this to read it just once and know that I believe in you and feel for you no matter who you are or what you have done to be judged and labeled in a misleading manner.
I wish all parents and anyone who is in contact with teens could read this as well and try to make the concerted effort to understand our teens and their trials and tribulations.
I’m sitting here writing this as a mother of teens. At this moment I’m crying many tears to the point I have to stop because everything is blurry. My heart is filled with great sadness that I feel like I could vomit at any minute. There is a feeling of deadness is inside of me. Another feeling of loneliness fills a different void. To focus on anything but my child right now is just nonsense. However, I do not feel anger, nor am I mad.
I coined the phrase “suicide in denial,” not because I have lost one to suicide. This article is not about suicide either. But it is about self-value. You are probably thinking, where did the title come from. I will explain how I came up with the phrase “suicide in denial.”
I feel that being a teen has all kinds of pressures with it. As adults, we call it stress. But much of the stress we have is created by our own selves. With teens, they have pressure placed on them by others such as parents, teachers, coaches, peers, etc. To me, that makes a big difference and not many take the time to realize the difference.
Table of Contents
A Little Bit Of Psychology:
The teen brain doesn’t finish developing and maturing until their mid- to late-20s. The front part of the brain, called the prefrontal cortex, is one of the last brain regions to mature. It is the area responsible for planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses.
Can I repeat that one more time? The last part of the brain to mature in their mid-to-late 20s controls planning, prioritizing and controlling impulses.
I don’t know about you but my kids struggle to plan anything. Especially when it came down to the logistics of things. As far a prioritizing and impulse control, they struggle with that too. The last “fuck you” you heard was an impulse, not them being a bad kid. They are not bad kids, they are making poor choices.
So imagine being in your teen years, again, much younger than the mids-to-late-20s when your brain matures and dealing with all of the pressures these kids now. It pains me to think about is as an adult.
These kids have to make decisions about things going on with social media. Something we did not have to deal with. We had to meet up with our friends to talk, play, socialize. etc. Now you don’t even have to be in the same country to communicate!
Drugs and alcohol, oh my. Kids can get them readily and easily. They are everywhere. And most teens have the perception that “All teens are doing them.” Hence, suicide in denial.
Parties nowadays are not just your friends getting together. They are a couple of hundred kids deep with weed, alcohol, and drugs. Courtesy of social media. Maybe this is why teens feel “All teens are doing this?” This is all they see.
Adults do this too! It’s like news media and Facebook. If it’s on there and we see it, it’s real, right? Uh, no!
Now I am not bashing social media. I am merely saying, with social media comes concerns, new pressures, etc and all at their fingertips. Not to mention, we as parents are the first generation to parent teens with cell phones. This is new for all of us.
Storytime:
As a parent raising teens, I often listen to other parents, read articles and talk with therapists to learn new ways to help this group of young men and women who are trying to find an identity for themselves. After all, they have been under their parent’s wing for years. They need to figure this out before they leave. And all on a brain that has not fully developed yet, keep in mind.
Now, one of my children has much common sense and a sense of maturity I am most baffled by when it comes to dealing with their friends. On the other hand, they place themselves in danger and at risk by doing things that are so not safe. I describe it as “suicide in denial.” It’s very perplexing to me. They have told me the risks and dangers and we have talked about them many times, yet they do it. Oh yes, and I forgot to tell you, they are stubborn as hell!
I used the Bark app to help me with one of my teens. It helped me understand their thoughts, feelings, friends, the pressures and their world.
But with that understanding came a lot of sadness and grief. You see the Bark app has algorithms that monitor apps the kids may have on their phones. As a parent, you cannot read everything they do which is the beauty of the app. You do not have to snoop. On the flip side, it does let you know of cyberbullying, profanity, sex, drugs, weapons, etc. Some of the things that popped up were not concerning to me, but there were other scenarios that were very disturbing to me.
I saw these kids supporting each other and their stories made me extremely sad that these kids felt the way they did. They may have been doing some bad things, but this was a group they fit into and could relate too. They were trying their best to survive in this cruel and judging world. I could sense they did not want to be like this but felt like they had nowhere to turn except to these other friends who were experiencing and doing the same things.
One kid was a freshman. They were no longer allowed to attend the local high school. But the words I saw my teen write to that kid was so inspiring and mature. Yes, the kid was doing drugs, but to hear their story was extremely sad. They did not feel their parents believed in them. The child even said their mother made them call her by her first name because she no longer claimed them. The kid told my child how much that crushed their world.
What we forget about all too often is how much our words can do great damage to these kids that are struggling to find an identity, be accepted and not judged for their flaws and mistakes.
When in all actuality, these kids should be so confident for all they are put through these days. We label them as lazy and disrespectful. They are expected to take all these tests and pass. Many are pressured to be the best athletes, the best students, the best whatever. They go from childhood to adulthood. There is no in-between. They have no time to make mistakes and learn from them.
We, as adults, need to not have expectations for them. That is for them to do. We need to sit back and give them the tools they need to succeed and accept them for who they are.
What is “suicide in denial?”
“Suicide in denial” is a term I coined when I was talking with my mother. It was the only thing I could think of to describe my child’s actions at the moment. To me, it does not mean one is not suicidal, nor do they have suicidal thoughts or tendencies. However, they do things they know may harm them because they have no self-value. If they harm themselves or others in the process, they don’t care. They are going to do what they want to do regardless of the consequences. We cannot forget the fact that their brains are still developing and they lack what it takes to prioritize, plan and make impulse decisions.
So they may not harm themselves due to suicide, but the impulse decisions they make like taking drugs or getting high may place them in an environment to get raped, or perhaps very sick due to the lacing of a drug they are using. “Suicide in denial.” They know it happens, but are willing to take the risk because it most likely is not going to happen to them AND, they have little to no self-value.
What is self-value?
Let’s say one measures self-value by was of identification. When that identification is taken away, it destroys their self-value. Some kids identify themselves by their friends. Others may be a top student or star athlete. How about the child that found what gender they want to be but then they are not supported by family? What happens when they lose their friends, take an injury in a sport and can no longer play or you fail a big test? If their sole self-value is based on these things, it’s taken away and they lose their self-value. “I have nothing without my friends.” “Not that I cannot play sports, I am no one.” “I am a failure since I performed poorly on that test.” “I do not know who I am having to be a girl.”
Now let’s consider self-value as an evaluation. These kids are constantly being evaluated at school, some at home, on the field or on the court. When these kids are routinely hard on themselves and human errors occur, their self -value comes crashing down. They start to have thoughts of “I’m so stupid!”, “Why is this happening to me?”,”What’s wrong with me!” and “I can’t do anything right!”
Particularly in the response to a bad experience where impulsive or unwise decisions making led to error, disappointment, or trouble, our teens can get into some pretty harsh self-evaluation. This will have a strong negative impact on their self-value.
So let’s listen to our teens more and stop judging them and being so hard on them. If they are doing something wrong, let’s work harder to help them out and help build their confidence instead of tearing them down. They are dealing with way more than we ever had to. Now I am not saying to condone their bad doings, but just listen more and try to fix less. Keep an open mind and determine if they need guidance. Take the time to listen to the underlying message of their words. Not the actual words themselves. Because I will reiterate one last time, they react on impulses and are struggle with prioritizing and planning, all while trying to please the expectations set for them and finding their own identity.
And if you are a teenager struggling out there. find a trusted adult and ask for advice. Use us as mentors. Talk to us and let us know what’s going on. Let us help you. Don’t be too proud to ask for help. There are people out there who want to help so do not give up on yourself. You have self-value even if you are told by others you do not. Find your self-value and never let anyone take it away from you. It’s a mindset. Your self-value is controlled by you and you only. Happiness and self-love work the same way. Until then, be calm and Think Me First!
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