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How to train a narcissist in 3 clear, but not so easy steps. Sounds appealing right? After all, the narcissist spends years grooming you and manipulating you into someone you no longer know and takes away your identity. I think it is only appropriate that our abusers receive the same courtesy from us. Wouldn’t you agree? So let’s dive into how to train a narcissist in 3 clear, but not so easy steps.
How To Train A Narcissist
Step #1
Absolutely No Contact
I have researched and researched and researched the crap out of narcissism, narcissistic traits, indicators, and how to control situations when engaged with a narcissist. Almost every article or book I have read advises you to absolutely cut off all contact with that party. I would agree.
So yes, the first step is easy for some to do and that is to cut off all ties to and with the narcissist.
But what happens when you have a child with a narcissist, or you have to work with a narcissist? You do not always have a viable choice as to if you can cut off all contact.
With kids you still have milestones, birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, etcetera might have to make some sort of contact with the narcissist.
As for the work environment, it’s part of the job. You have to communicate with that person and work with that person to the point of getting the job done.
I had two children with a narcissistic husband and guess what? There was no way to cut off all ties. I still had to try and co-parent with this non-cooperative person.
So how do you do that?
Step #2
The Gray Rock Method
What is it?
So, how do we escape the child-like behavior of the narcissist without triggering their vindictive rage? “Gray Rock” is primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist to lose interest in you. So how does it differ from “no contact?” Glad you asked. With the Gray Rock Method, you don’t overtly try to avoid contact with the abuser. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that they must go elsewhere for their supply of drama.
This took me forever to grasp. But once I did, dang did it made my life and stress level so maintainable! Not feeding into the narcissist’s mind games, not only allowed me to remain in control of my own emotions and sanity and keep my composure, I was not feeling his nasty habit either. And, I remained in control of the situation.
It is very hard to do, but once I learned to filter through the criticism and only stick with facts, life was totally different.
When contact with you is consistently boring the mind of the narcissist is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Narcissists are addicted to drama and they can’t stand to be bored. It might even drive them to be crazier than they ever made you feel. Highly unlikely, but fun to think it’s true. 🙂
With time, the narcissist finds a new victim to provide drama, and then they will find themselves less drawn to you. Eventually, they just fade away. They may come and go depending on what is going on with the children, but the drama will be less. Mine actually happened pretty quickly once I figured it out.
Gray Rock is a way of training the narcissist to view you like a wall, a dull and emotionless wall — you bore them and they can’t stand that kind of boredom and lack of drama. Stay positive and do not react! No negative reactions people! This is how they control you!
Why it works.
Narcissist needs constant stimulation to ward off their own boredom. Drama is a narcissist’s remedy for boredom. In order for the drama to take place, the narcissist needs an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they are provided an open buffet to a feeding frenzy. The narcissist feels empowered and in complete control when pulling the strings that trigger our emotions. Any kind of emotion will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.
They are addicts. Their addiction to power is their main goal and priority. The power is acquired by way of our emotions. Narcissist needs to create drama so they can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the narcissist when they get their supply of emotional responses. Like Pavlov’s Dog, the more times the narcissist experiences a reward for their dramatic behavior, the more addicted they become.
So, to reverse the poor behavior one needs to stop the reward. That is when the narcissist becomes furious with what is happening. If you stay the course and show no emotions, the narcissist will eventually decide that their toy is broken. It does not give them the same spitefulness and control as it once did.
Step #3
Reward good behavior.
Think about what the narcissist likes. They live for words of affirmation, love, attention, and themselves placed on a pedestal. Even if it’s in the form of love-bombing or idealization, that is way better than the alternative. Again, like Pavlov’s Dog, reward good behavior. Now do not overdo it. Be sincere about it or they may see through your gestures.
Uh, yes, this step is pretty short. In my situation, there was not much good behavior to reward, but when there is, acknowledge it if you will.
Remember, narcissist rarely change their own behavior so you will need to accept this as your new way of life when dealing with them.
To conclude, you are now provided with three steps to train a narcissist. If you can do step number one and cut off all contact, that is your best route. However, if you are not that fortunate, there is still hope. Familiarize yourself with the Gray Rock Method and it will save you a lot of energy, mixed emotions, and more. Practice each time when dealing with the narcissist. It will get easier as you go and then again, your life will be so much simpler and you can rest knowing you now control your emotions. That is until they get bored with you and move on. The best end result you can accomplish! 🙂
Stay calm and Think Me First!
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