The purpose of this article is to add to your understanding of narcissism if you are already familiar with it. Hopefully, this will help you pick up on red flags which is part of their everyday natural behavior. I want you to learn and discern what is right and appropriate for you in relationships. Below you can find 10 red flags that are external signs of a narcissist and how to identify them.
The primary ingredients of narcissism are high control, low empathy needs for superiority, an attitude of entitlement, and manipulative and exploitive ways of dealing with people. Perhaps you know someone like this but didn’t realize it. I had heard of the term narcissism but really didn’t know much about it. That is until I married one. Again, I did not know what he was, as the person I was getting to know was totally different than the person he actually was. And keep in mind, I speak of a male here, narcissism takes place in any gender, home, lifestyle, etcetera.
Once you learn more about the external signs of a narcissist, you will begin to see there are more than you think. However, we should not confuse narcissism with someone just being a jerk or having an ego.
I am very passionate about this subject as I was once married to a narcissist and it was the worst 14 years of my life. It still continues even after divorce as my kids are subjected to the very same thing. I have put many hours into researching narcissism to find the best way to co-parent with one. Everything I read told me to cut all ties. But, I could not due to my children. So many more hours went into researching and trying to understand what makes a narcissist tick. Eventually, I found ways to make my life better and more bearable while trying to co-parent.
So, let’s move on……
Table of Contents
10 External Signs Of A Narcissist
1. Criticism is common
The narcissist tends to be very critical. Sure we all have our moments we may criticize but the narcissist does is quite often. They complain about someone, an event, how things did not measure up, you get it. They do this frequently to the point that you get the impression nothing can make them happy or please them. And it is true as the narcissist has to be superior. They like finding things illustrate to them that people and events are inferior to them.
2. They tend not to delve too deep into your emotions
Let’s start with an example. Perhaps you went to a party with family and friends you do not see often, You express to the narcissist that you really enjoyed your time with them at the party and it was very rewarding. Now, the normal person would say something to the effect, “Yes, I can tell you had a good time. Tell me more about it.” They ask penetrating questions so they can get to know you on a personal basis.
A narcissist does not care about that. They may say “Oh, that’s nice.” But, they do not show a lot of interest because you are not them. The only persons need they focus on is their own.
3. They hijack conversations
So, you are talking about an event or trying to make plans. The narcissist may say, “Yeh, that reminds me of a time that I did something like that.” They will go on and on about their experience. Then you sit there thinking, “I was about to tell you what my experience was.” You then realize that they do not even care. Their favorite topic to talk about is themselves.
4. They lack reflective thinking
Narcissists can be intellectual. They can have all sorts of ideas about right from wrong and what is good and what is bad. They might be able to explain concepts and ideas really well. But they can not think reflectively.
If you are in a relationship and you are trying to discuss who we are or where are we going, it’s tied to some meaning and purpose. For a narcissist, it is too much trouble and they want you to look to them to tell you what to do. They get bored rather quickly to go deeper and into the root of things unless they are the ones who get to call all of the shots. Then they can talk forever about that.
5. They can excuse any and every mistake or failure they make
If there was a failure. It was someone else’s fault, not their own. For example: if they had problems in a relationship, they may talk about how moody that person was, or that their partner cheated on them, or they had other expectations. If it was a sporting event and their team lost, it was because of the referees. If a business venture or organization didn’t go well then someone else is at fault for that. The excuses are endless.
They do not like saying they made a mistake or that they have totally blown it. Hell, they can’t even say they say they are sorry to anyone. A narcissist cannot express negativity of any sort about themselves because to them, that means they a vulnerable and they are no longer in the superiority position. That really scares a narcissist.
6. They have a lot of expectations for you, an agenda
The narcissist has an agenda for everyone, They have a lot of expectations for you and everyone they encounter in general. A narcissist will use words like must, have to, had better, got to, should, supposed to, etc. They use these words, as they believe there is an agenda to unfold and it happens to coincide with the way the narcissist is thinking. The narcissist insist things have to play out in line with their agenda. They do not allow for nuances. Narcissists are very black and white with no room to move in their thought processes.
7. Conflicts are nor managed successfully (very common flag)
If you get into a conflict with a narcissist, you may think it is a conflict but the narcissist will think it’s a contest. Who is correct and who is incorrect. Do you want to guess who the incorrect person will be? Not the narcissist. They will shame, blame and overwhelm you to prove their point, If they do not get what they want, they move on to the passive-aggressive way. Will shut down, not return calls, texts, or what have you. If you are in conflict with a narcissist, they will see you as the loser and they will let everyone know about it too.
There is no spirit of teamwork.
A healthy person would compromise and ask to hear each side. Each person will share their needs, feelings, and thoughts. They work it out.
8. They exaggerate their own positives while minimizing their own negatives
For example, their kids are doing well in school, but when the narcissist speaks, their kids are the best in their class. Or at age 48, they still talk about a play the allegedly made in high school. They may talk about the things that went well, but they do not like to talk about the things that may have gone bad. As a result, you do not get a real feeling of intimacy, Nor do they seem to be human. As we all make mistakes and should be able to talk about them and learn from them.
They love to learn the negatives about you because that gives them power over you. But you will never know their own negatives.
9. They can be very impressed with the external signs of success
A narcissist will like living in a bigger house, driving the better car, dressing in the finest clothes, and hanging around those who they think “matter” the most. They want to be noticed for their bling, success and being around those in decision making positions. They cannot accept being just average, plain or normal, To a narcissist, that is not very appealing.
10. There is a general sense of closemindedness
The narcissist does not like hearing from other people. They become very impatient with people because they do not want to slow down to hear someone else’s thoughts or feelings or needs. A narcissist thinks, “If the world would think like me, we would all be better off.” They do not want to be bothered by listening to someone else’s thoughts and interpretations. They expect you to do what they want you to do.
Questions to ask yourself before moving on with a narcissist
- Am I being asked to be loyal to someone who does not want to reciprocate loyalty toward me?
- Do I sense that this person will ultimately have a low opinion of me? In particular, when my humanity shows up. (Always go with your gut feelings)
- Is this someone I can be safe with when difficulties arise? This would include, relationships, business, parenting, etc….
- Do I get the feeling there are certain things I do not know or they do not want me to know about them?
Learn how to read theses red flags or external signs of a narcissist and tie them back to some of the primary characteristics of narcissism (control, low empathy, etc…) You will begin to be able to read people better the more you look for these external signs of a narcissist and understand them. As usual, go with your gut feeling. And do not forget to ask yourself the questions listed above. The bottom line is, narcissists, do not think like most people do, in a general manner. If something feels off, it most likely is. Remember to always, Think me first!
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