After reading this article you will be more aware of the narcissist, reasons they attract and how to understand them. Narcissists (click to find out more) are some of the worst people to know, be in a relationship with, or have to work with. They come in forms of co-workers, parents, significant others, friends and more. When around a narcissist, it can lead to very unhealthy relationships and leaving you in a very vulnerable and mentally unstable mindset. This article is my story and will hopefully make you more aware of the narcissist, (click to find out more) the reasons they attract, and how to understand them. Hopefully, you will not fall into the same trap as I once did.
So, just to make you aware, I had heard of the term narcissist and knew what the term meant. However, to deal with one or be around one, I had no clue how to identify. Matter of fact, I had married one and did not even know it. That is, until 13 years later when I figured it out.
Now keep in mind, I was a college-educated woman with many friends. I treated people with respect and I was well-liked by all. I had always surrounded myself with positive people and was very caring especially of those close to me.
Then I met my match. And, because I could never think like him, I was usually blindsided by things. It wasn’t until during my divorce that I researched the shit out of narcissism. And I knew then it was going to be a tough battle.
The daily question I asked myself was “What in the hell was I thinking?” And yes, those close to me were thinking and asking the same thing. To this day I still question it, but I figured out why I married him.
Do you want to know?
I did not marry the guy he actually was hiding behind the mask. I married the fictitious character he lead myself and everyone else to believe he was. To this day he still has his followers (who have no confidence and self-esteem themselves) or his “flying monkeys.” There will be more to come on that topic.
With that being said, let’s get to the narcissist, the reasons they attract, and how to understand those reasons.
Table of Contents
The Narcissist, Reasons They Attract
1. Awareness happens after the fact
As I had noted in the paragraphs prior, I was not aware, because I did not know what was going on. You don’t; think like a narcissist, so your brain is not wired to think that way. The normal person would not know what was going on. The normal person does not sit and think about how they are going to exploit people or manipulate others. The narcissist is always thinking of ways to dominate and intimidate others to keep in their mind….superiority.
2. You may be there by default
Perhaps you may have had a parent who was a narcissist, or you maybe work with one. For family members, you may grow up thinking it is the norm. If you work with one you may not be able to totally ignore. As for me, I just showed up. I did not ask to be put in that position.
In my case, I had known this party before but they were not pursuing me. I had no interest anyway so it was not a focus for me. When we were married, it was too late. I did not see the red flags until after much time had been invested in the relationship. And then there were children. Ugh! If I had known then, I never would have reproduced with such a poor example of life. Because now, my children are enduring the same thing.
3. Narcissists tend to be quite the charmers
I fell for this one hook, line, sinker! In normal relationships, the parties try to impress and engage to learn more about the other to see if this is something they want to pursue or not. Your goal is to find common ground with each other.
The narcissist charms for different reasons. Their intent is to manipulate and exploit you and those close to you, including their own children. The narcissist will say nice things to you, take you on trips and buy things for you so you will find them flattering. But, trust me, that all changes. If it is too good to be true, go with your gut feeling, it most likely is not even close to what you think.
From an emotional standpoint, they make you feel loved, wanted and appreciated. The narcissist is a good reader of people. I have found they usually feed on vulnerable or weak people. Now, I will admit, when I started dating my ex, I was pretty down due to another event, My abuser knew exactly what I needed at that time. No joke, I was easily won with charm and a caring demeanor.
I say this because I watched him feed on someone else after we divorced. It was then that I could pretty much predict his next steps. Luckily for the woman he was dating, she figured out who he really was.
They really pour on the charm quickly and love-bomb you. Because they have to get you drawn in quickly or you might figure out their master plan.
4. Do you like being a caregiver?
You are the one who wears their heart on their sleeve. You as the loving one who gets gratification for caring for others. In a healthy world, those are great traits to have. But when you are caught up in a relationship with a narcissist, this will be hazardous.
The key for the caregiver is that the one you are caring for appreciates and reciprocates. Again, you will not get this from the narcissist.
The narcissist will take advantage of your services and let those skills of yours grow deeper until they can turn them on you. This is yet another example of “you don’t know what you don’t know.” It’s not the norm.
5. You may have been in a place of emotional need
As I have told you, the narcissist read people very well. They have to so that their disguise is not blown and they are always superior to you. The narcissist knows this and that is when the charm kicks in. They see your vulnerability and lack of confidence and self-doubt.
You are fed with things you want to hear and the narcissist is well aware of your need for that.
The narcissist is looking for someone they can dominate. You don’t think that way, but they are. Again, “you don’t know what you don’t know.”
6. The Narcissist offers a lot of fun and pleasure
Similar to the charm they overwhelm you with, they will give you things you never had or do things with you that you have never done. I was flattered with trips and hiking, repelling, scuba diving and all of those things I had never done but wanted to. As usual, that ended very soon after. The endgame was the total opposite. It’s all a facade.
7. The narcissist is not as dysfunctional in the early stages
It may take a life event to change how quickly the narcissist changes. For example, everything may be going their way. They have you, they got a promotion, people are starting to notice them more. This may cause the ego to grow even faster and bigger. It feeds the need for superiority! Superiority is the fuel for a narcissist. This is usually due to their own insecurities.
On the flip side, it could be the opposite. The narcissist may have been disappointed many times throughout life and as they age, they have a mindset that no one else is going to make them feel that way again. They feel angry and have a power and control mindset.
Things to remember:
- When anyone comes at you with a lot of persuasions, be very patient and cautious with them and the situation. Persuasion is a sign of control and that is the narcissist’s ultimate goal!
- Consider who you are and what you want. As noted above, do not fall into the persuasion tactic they are playing.
- Stay away to the narcissist’s “All or nothing” way of thinking. They will use dominance and to you, it will all seem black and white. This is when the mental and verbal abuse starts. They will tell you how much of a terrible person you are and more. They bring you up and then tear you down, bring you up and then tear you down again. It’s not only disgusting one could do this to another person, but it is very vicious too. It’s their intent, which makes it worse.
- After you leave this situation, go back to your own personal basics. (This is huge.!) After 13 years of mental and verbal abuse, I felt like I had no identity. I did not know who I was. But little did my abuser know, I would prevail and now I am stronger than ever! It was a longe process but well worth it! Find your core values and morals.
- Carefully consider the input from other people. You might even go as far as soliciting input from other people. I failed miserably at this. People would often tell me that he did not treat others very nicely or he did not respect others, talked poorly about others. So what did I do? I made excuses for him. Listen to others. They are outsiders looking in.
- Practice assertiveness. listen carefully and try to read them cautiously. Do not let them control you and dominate you. You deserve the same respect you gave them. Be clear and stand firmly as to who you are. Don’t back down or change your morals and values.
You should now know a little bit more about the narcissist, reasons they attract and how to understand them. The takeaway from all of this is to know who you are and what you want. Do not deviate from that without first considering over time. Don’t settle just because. Think Me First!
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