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In this article, you will be better equipped to understanding perfectionism and how to control it. We will discuss a few of the different types of perfectionism. You will also find out where perfectionism comes from to better understand yourself.
“People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it.”
https://www.positivityblog.com/perfectionism-habits/
Edith Schaeffer
Am I perfect? Hahaha, no…….are you? No one is perfect, not a single soul. However, there are many of us that push ourselves to be. Why is that I wonder? We each have our own story, but here is mine.
I was not a perfectionist until I married my prior husband who was a textbook narcissist, borderline psychopath. In that environment, I was told daily I was not good enough, even though I was very successful before I met him. He even had me believing that others felt the same way about me. Keep in mind, before I met him I was very well-liked anywhere I went. I was very confident, sympathetic, empathetic, a good listener and easy to talk to.
I was constantly trying to do my best just to please him. He built me up, then tore me down, built me up, then tore me down again. It was a consistent process for 13 years. Just when I thought I was on track, suddenly my best was not good enough for him again.. Hence, I was starting to be a perfectionist.
Sadly after my divorce and removing myself from the controlling situation, I noticed the tendencies of perfectionism in my children. They too were trying, as still do, to please their father. One who will never be content with himself, let alone with others. I wish I had then had a better understanding of perfectionism.
Understanding perfectionism
So, what is perfectionism? Perfectionism has been described as the tendency of individuals to set unrealistically high standards and then critically evaluate one’s ability to achieve those standards. Perfectionism is based on three subscales: Self-Oriented Perfectionism (the setting of high expectations for oneself and the motivation to avoid failure), Other-Oriented Perfectionism (the setting of high expectations for others), and Socially Prescribed Perfectionism (the need to attain perceived high expectations of significant others).
Much of the research involving perfectionism concerns the differentiation of positive and negative aspects of the trait. Individuals that set high standards and allow a little leeway for mistakes are known as neurotic perfectionists, while those that set high standards and allow themselves some degree of latitude for not achieving those goals were labeled as normal perfectionists. It has been determined that certain aspects of perfectionism can also lead to the setting of unattainable goals and procrastination.
Understanding perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high-performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. It is best conceptualized as a multidimensional characteristic. Perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable ideals or unrealistic goals, often leading to depression and low self-esteem. Recent data show that perfectionistic tendencies are on the rise among recent generations of young people
Self-Oriented Perfectionism:
“Self-oriented” perfectionists have exceedingly high personal standards, strive for perfection and expect themselves to be perfect.
They adhere to strict standards while maintaining strong motivation to attain perfection and avoid failure; engage in stringent self-evaluation.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism:
Perfectionists who set impossibly high standards for other people have a bit of a dark side. They tend to be antisocial, narcissistic, and to have an aggressive sense of humor.
And they don’t care much about social norms or readily fit into the bigger social picture.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism
They believe that others hold unrealistic expectations for their behavior (and that they can’t live up to this); experience external pressure to be perfect, believe others evaluate them critically.
What causes perfectionism?
Many factors can contribute to whether perfectionism develops. A few includes:
- Frequent fear of disapproval from others or feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
- Mental health issues like anxiety, depression or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can be a sign that you may be a perfectionist, but that does not mean that all who have an underlying mental health issue is a perfectionist.
- Having a parent or spouse who exhibits perfectionistic behavior or expresses disapproval when their children or spouse’s efforts do not result in perfection. Some parents and spouses may encourage their child or spouse to succeed in every area or push perfection on them to the extent that can be considered abusive.
- An insecure early attachment. People who had a troubled attachment with parents when they were young may experience difficulty self-soothing as adults. They may have trouble accepting a good outcome as good if it’s not perfect.
People with a history of high achievement sometimes feel overwhelming pressure to live up to their previous achievements. This often leads them to engage in perfectionistic behavior. Children who are frequently praised for their accomplishments may feel pressure to keep achieving as they age, which can also cause perfectionistic tendencies. The same principle applies to adults as well.
Do you believe yourself to be a perfectionist?
Here are a few examples of understanding perfectionism:
Some examples of perfectionism include:
- Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email. This is some. I write and write and then rewrite some more. So tormenting!
- Believing that missing two points on a test is a sign of failure. I know a lot of people like this.
- Difficulty being happy for others who are successful. Be careful not to conclude this as a sign of jealousy. From a perfectionist standpoint, one may experience this because they now feel the pressure to be better than the one who is successful.
- Holding oneself to the standards of others’ accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.
- Skipping class or avoiding a chore because it is pointless to make an effort unless perfection can be achieved. This is also known as procrastination. Again, I was bad at this as well 🙂
- Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning. I feel many people can relate to this at some point or another. Especially, if you were not interested in the project in the first place.
- Avoiding playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of being shown up as less than perfect.
The difference between a high achiever and a perfectionist:
Perfectionism differs from high achievement in one important way: where your focus lies. If you are striving for excellence, you can be happy about your achievements and learn from your mistakes.
Perfectionism is different in that the focus is less forgiving; perfectionists beat themselves up for anything that appears to be lacking, and this robs them of the satisfaction and pride that comes from all of the things that they do well. One of the most significant problems that perfectionists face is the fear that if they stop shooting for perfection, they will become low achievers and their goals will go by the wayside. Letting go of perfectionist attitudes can actually help you to excel more!
Perfectionists actually achieve less than those with healthier attitudes, because their focus on perfection robs them of motivation and can bring on procrastination and other self-defeating behaviors.
How to control perfectionism
- Create more realistic personal goals and expectations.
- Prioritize self-love and invest in yourself.
- Practice saying no more often.
- Remember that time off is not time wasted.
- Trust that it will all get done in time.
- Schedule breaks and recharge.
- Take a weekend vacation getaway.
- Stop wasting your time by multitasking.
- Practice not holding others to your same standard.
Here are a few ways to maintain a healthy attitude
Become aware of your tendencies:
If you ware aware of your tendencies, then you are able to change them when necessary. You are in control. This is part of the high achievers’ traits when you can learn from your experience.
Learn how to handle criticism:
If you see criticism as an attack, you will be defensive, If you seek criticism to be a learning experience, you will have a much healthier and positive outcome
Focus on the positive:
If you are a perfectionist, you will only see the negative such as making mistakes. If you look for the positive, you will achieve your goal. Rumor has it, for every negative trait you see in yourself, you need to find five positive factors to counteract.
To conclude, understanding perfectionism will make you more aware as to if you are actually a perfectionist or a successful high performer. By understanding perfectionism it cal also give you the tools to master and control it. It is then when you can use perfectionism to achieve and accomplish more with a healthier mindset and with more positive results. Remember, take care and Think Me First!
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